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Matt and I met in high school. We dated almost exclusively then magically ended up at the same college. After a year long engagement, we were married in June and now here we are, ten years after we met, talking babies, mortgages and the rest of our lives together and I can’t help but think that this is all there is. I am suddenly struck by the finality of it all and it makes me kind of sad, like I missed out on a few things. Any advice?
Two in Tulsa
Oh, for God’s sake, give it a rest! No. On second thought, have an affair, catalogue shop, cook only the foods that you like, refuse to attend family functions with him, make solo travel plans, watch a ton of daytime TV, smoke dope in the afternoon……you see where I’m going with this, right? Sigh.
Look, you have carefully planned this life together, obviously surrounded by loving friends and family, nothing but blue skies ahead for both of you and all you can do is fabricate a “what could have been scenario”?
My daughter who is 16 just became sexually active. Not that she told me but I have noticed that she spends hours in the shower with her boyfriend (while I am at home no less), not only that but there are books laying around about sexual positions and his and hers lubricant laying around for everyone to see. I know it is only natural for a young teenager to be sexually exploring but I find that it is overtly in my face. How do I approach my daughter about this Tippy?
Flabbergasted in Florida
Dear Flab Flor,
Two things leap to mind. First of all, my heartfelt sympathies. Secondly, give her a little of her own medicine. If she’s acting out, give it right back to her. Of course telling her not to do anything will only “make the monster angry” so here’s a plan.
Approach both she and her boyfriend together. They deserve to be equally embarrassed and confronted. (Is he 16 too? Don’t you want to know who his parents are? Can you find out?) Talk about sex, their relationship, the pill etc. Very plainly, very openly and stay friendly. Maybe have a neutral family friend over to “mediate” so things don’t get out of hand? Have the names of a couple clinics nearby where they can go for STD testing whether they need it or not. Give them handouts on teen pregnancy. And then, advise them of the rules. (I assume you are a single mom as no mention of dad was made?)
The rules are:
If they are going to have sex in your house then the daughter must agree to see a counselor. And get the boyfriend to agree that he will help her attend because he definitely wants to be welcome in your home. Could it also be that she’s suffering from low self esteem? Don’t go blaming yourself. Most teens struggle with identity and that’s why peer pressure translates to requiring almost no peer pressure at all!
As well as the gruesome teen female imbalance she is experiencing, is oppositional behavior afoot? Again, the counselor is a good third party to include in the mix. Your daughter will do what she wants so the only way things will change is if YOU do. I think it was Einstein who said “if you keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome, that’s the definition of insanity”.
Wrap your head around this issue differently. Take care of yourself and keep yourself sane as that’s where you gain strength and will be available to make the right decisions when you are up against the wall. I am sorry I cannot offer to take her off your hands but I’ve already done that and quite frankly I’d rather hang myself than do it again. I call b*llshit on anyone who has had a consistently “pleasant” relationship with their daughter, cause here’s the thing, if crazy stuff doesn’t happen when they’re teens, it will happen later. So, change yourself, forgive, trust as much as you can, get help and build a different relationship. I wish you luck and love,
Wanna talk to Tippy? Send your questions to Tippy at Madlakepages@gmail.com