Posts Tagged ‘lovers’

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, “many, several”, and Latin amor, “love”) is where men and women may have more than one partner with adult consent of all partners involved. It could be described as “consensual and responsible non-monogamy”.

Let’s discuss this.

Human sexual relations has always been a curious and, at times, ‘hot’ topic of discussion, often with varying degrees of moral judgement attached. There are those who believe we can only love one person and/or that two people ‘in love’ should be committed for life. Then there are those who cannot understand how that is possible, and kiss many frogs before settling, but they still settle for one.

For those polyamorous players, one lover is not enough. However, the term swinger or player, which is often used to describe someone who lives a polyamorous lifestyle, is actually looked upon as quite different in the two communities. Polyamory tends to be more emotionally driven, whereas swinging tends to be purely for sexual pleasure.   

Some would define polyamory as a relationship practice, while others think it an orientation or identity, like sexual identity. With polyamory, there are two types of relationships: an open relationship, where the partners involved are free to seek sexual or romantic encounters outside of their defined group, and a closed polyamorous relationship, where they keep their relationships within the chosen group of lovers.

There is documented proof of a Christian religious community in America during the 1800’s where they believed in free love. Any member of the commune was free to have (consensual) sex with another. Exclusivity and possessiveness were unacceptable. The Oneida Community, as they were called, believed it was the responsibility of the commune to raise the offspring from these relations communally. To take things a step further, women past childbearing age would act as mentors to adolescent boys and older men often introduced young females to sex. The elders became religious role models for the younger generation. When you think of ‘free love’ in the ’60’s, perhaps the Oneida were ahead of their time, but polyamory and other forms of non-exclusive relationships, has been going on since the dawn of man.  

Many polyamorists believe fidelity as being faithful to the agreements made in their relationship rather than sexual exclusivity. As mentioned previously, the practice of polyamory includes open relations or multi-partner ones, which can differ in levels of closeness and commitment. Polyamorists generally base commitment on things other than sexual exclusivity. Trust and honesty or growing old together are ideas that set polyamory apart from other forms of open relations.

What are your thoughts? Please comment on this blog and let’s get a conversation going.



Pure Pleasure

In the dark, she reached for his hair, soft and short in her fingers. His face was hidden, lit from the street by dimly illuminated curtains, his shoulders loomed broadly over her, supported by lean arms that gripped the sheets beneath her. Sometimes he moved to her head, or her back, or her hips, to pull her fiercely against him.

She didn’t need to see his face. She knew that he gazed intently at her, as he moved his hips into her, then out and back again. She moaned and threw her pillow in one swooping motion, from behind her head, onto the floor.

He was an enthusiastic lover, and in fact, the term lover was more appropriate than she ever could have dreamed. He loved. He loved everything about her, and this was something that she was coming to realize, slowly. Sloooowly. Concealed within the dark room, within her enveloping bed, her thoughts occasionally strayed from his body and what he was doing to her, or with her, to a wonderment, an amazement. ‘So this is what making love is’, she thought. Quite different from having sex, even great sex.

He was enthusiastic, yes, and came equipped with the endurance of an athlete trained to paddle for many miles, to race bikes, to swim. He had mind-over-body stamina, older, more experienced, not the wam-bam of youth followed by the deepest of sleeps.

Not this man.

And they laughed. She laughed as hard as she’d ever laughed. As hard as the top five memorable laughs of her life.

One sunny afternoon, they’d stretched out in a room full of books, on a bed next to windows that looked out over sky and trees. Squirrels, butterflies and wind, the sun danced in warm air.

She suggested a game. She wasn’t sure, she said, that she knew where her g-spot was, if she had one in fact. They looked online for information as to where this mysterious spot might be, and he laughed when they found the best information on Men’s Health, in an article titled, “How to Find your Girl’s G-spot.” He noted the use of the term “girl.”

Two inches in and on the top side closer to the belly button, palm up, curious fingers curled, exploring. That’s the spot, the article said, that sometimes makes a woman feel like peeing. Or wait, maybe not there. Maybe farther in, just about where that rough patch is. He patiently, she thoughtfully. Until she was so filled with mirth at the humor of it all that laughter exploded in great gales. Swells of laughter that wouldn’t stop, and he with her, laughing.

Perhaps a man’s partner might not have one at all. It wasn’t something that had been defined and documented. It was too ethereal. Perhaps it was all something like an urban myth. A rumor that certainly demanded some serious (since he was a scientist) scientific and methodical investigation. A taking of notes.

Finally she admitted, breathless between laughter, that she’d known all along where it was. Well, at least she thought she knew where it was but wasn’t quite sure and maybe could use some more exploring. He, looking directly into her eyes, she gazing back, gasping, unabashed at the frank and honest pleasure that passed between them.

And with that, they watched the sun set gently behind trees until nothing was left of the day, nothing left but the night stretching before them.

‘Is this what it feels like to be in love?’ she asked herself. She rolled the word around on her tongue. She’d asked a friend, “How do you know when you’re in love?” The friend answered, “If you ask the question, then you probably are.”

She thought about how she’d felt when he’d returned from a five-day trip to the east coast, how something had changed when he walked into her kitchen. She’d always been more of a pragmatist, a little cynical, more than a little short on romance.

Now she wrapped her arms around this very sweet man, a man who missed her, who couldn’t wait to see her, had rushed over as soon as he could, had pressed he mouth to hers and held her like he never wanted to let go. With more than a little disbelief, she relented. Yes, this was a possibility.

About the author: Daphne Devina is an essayist and artist with an irrepressible curiosity about life, adventure, and especially men. Join her as she explores a new world of irresponsibility after many years of juggling career, kids and marriage. Can she finally “have it all?” Can she reawaken passion in a body long dormant?

  • This is the third and last installment in a series written for Madison Lake Pages. Read here Part 1 and Part 2.

All You Need Is…

Posted on: March 4th, 2015 by Madison Lake No Comments


I’ve been hanging out with some very good friends of mine who have been married for forty years. That’s astounding. My friends, who are close to my age! It used to be my parents and their friends who impressed me at the length and strength of their love and now my generation is creeping into that position of accomplishment. Or is it?

It certainly is, in its own right, an accomplishment, but even my friends talk openly about how they wonder, even now, whether two people are meant to be together as one couple exclusively for that long. It makes for good discussion anyway.

I know (and have known) swingers, voyeurs, and couples/singles into kink. I know men who divorced for a much younger woman, I know men in their sixties having a second or third family, I know confirmed bachelors, single and bitter men and women, and dynamic, happily single women (not so many happily single men, sadly). I know a dear couple about to embark on marriage, and if there are any two people in the world who, with one glance you know they are meant to be together, they are it. I wish them every happiness, but I don’t have to because they already have it.

I admire those couples who make it ‘work’, who have that staying power in relationship. Love changes over time. Needs and perceptions shift. It would be important to remain fluid, honest and communicative to stay connected.

Love comes in all forms and packages and we may not find it the first (or second) time around.

That does not mean my friends do not love each other. They do. After being together forty years, through pretty much everything, the love may have changed, but I imagine their bond is deep indeed.

Some may search and explore when they’re young, then settle down for the duration. Some may keep looking for greener grass their entire lives. Whether young or older, some may be happy forever with the one they found.

The crux of it all is LOVE.



Its everywhere.  Advertising overflows with it.  Its all people talk about.  Do you love someone but aren’t in love with them?  Are you in love love?  Is it just about the sex, then?  We think about it, dream about it, go online to get closer to it ~ and of course, we write stories about it.  Modern ideals of falling in love and discovering romance find their beginnings in exactly that – stories.  In this week’s History of Sex, we’ll have a look at the origins of love.

During the crusades, a flow of soldiers, merchants and culture brought Spanish and Islamic traditions into the lives of Europeans.  There were the troubadours of Provence, basically Spanish romance poets – traveling throughout Europe singing mythical songs about chivalry and love.  The motifs developed in Arabic literature soon influenced French, English, Italian and German culture:  love as sickness and cure, romance as torment and delight.  The idea of ‘love for love’s sake’ and even the notion of ‘unrequited love’ have their roots in Arabic poetry of the 9th and 10th century.

From far-off places, courtship and an eroticized ‘real love’ worked its way into the European story.  The practice of courtly love was developed in the castle life in a few regions in France around the time of the First Crusade (1099).  At the time, marriages for nobles were ‘arrangements’ and had nothing to do with what we know as ‘love’, so ‘lovers’ were something different.

Here are the stages of courtly love:

  • Attraction to the lady, usually by a glance
  • Worship of the lady from afar
  • Declaration of passionate devotion
  • Virtuous rejection by the lady
  • Renewed wooing with oaths of virtue and eternal faithfulness
  • Moans of approaching death from unsatisfied desire (and other lovesickness)
  • Heroic deeds of valor which win the lady’s heart
  • Consummation of the secret love
  • Endless adventures avoiding detection

Well, today we’d probably call them “cheaters”.  They were definitely secret trysts…often sexual, but sometimes just escalating emotional affairs.   They were never purely platonic – all courtly love was erotic.  At the very least, all these noble cheats helped to break up some of the chauvinism of the upper classes.  At most, they helped to spread an imaginative view of romantic love where sex was something to achieve…they made fashionable the very idea that it was a game worth playing.